Managing expectations is a sore point for me. A lot of the pain comes from my inability to say no, my fear to disappoint.

The fear to disappoint becomes a self-defeating prophecy. Coupled with how easily it is to scare/intimidate me (”gertak”) into saying yes.

(I’ve given up trying to say no, more or less.)

Must I do better? Of course. Will I do better? I …don’t know.

I hope I can. I’m trying.


(though it kinda feels like I’m failing.)


(Originally composed as a twit storm. Skipping the storm for now.)

When you’ve truly found your passion, not even your closest family or spouse can possibly understand what it is. And as much as they want to support you, to understand, they never will and they will subconsciously fight you. Every step of the way.

It is not their fault. It is not your fault. This battle will be fought anyway.

A thought after watching “Steve Jobs” (2015) just now on cable. DISCLAIMER: the above is just a theory, a gut feeling. Not proven empirically yet.

getting back to my old spirituality

A coworker at my office has a compressed .rar archive in her shared Dropbox folder entitled, “How to Sholat”. :”))

I should get back into my more spiritual habits. Reminiscent of my past where more of my life was more about Servitude to Jesus than this paycheck-to-paycheck barely-survival. Live each moment as a prayer, etc.

I remember knowing this stuff. I remember this stuff being me peace, keeping me humble, and making my resolve rock-steady. I can get back to it, God Willing. I know I can.


from my Tumblr blog: ferdifz.tumblr.com [direct link]